Christmas Jokes For Adults: September 2013

Monday 30 September 2013

What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A puddle.

What do you call a snowman in the tropics?
Lost.
Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'
Advent sermon: 'What is hell?'
Come early and listen to our carol practice.
Only six shopping days ’til Christmas! Or if you’re a bloke – only five and a half days ’til you start your Christmas shopping.
Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.
Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for Christmas. It’s such a joy to watch their faces light up!
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day...
Q - Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
A - They both drop their needles!
Q - Did you hear about the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone?
A - A dog ate him in the hall!
Q - How to cats greet each other at Christmas?
A - "A furry merry Christmas & Happy new year"!
Letter to Santa Claus...

Dear Santa Claus,

I stayed up all night last Christmas and I didn't see you come down the chimney? Are you going to come this year?

Sincerely,
Timmy

Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.
Q. What goes in a chimney red and comes out of it black?
A. Santa Claus.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use...
What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
Silent Night!
Will: What’s a good time for Santa to come down the chimney?
Bill: What?
Will: Anytime!
Josh: What does Jack Frost like best about school?
John: What?
Josh: Snow and tell.
Q. What is green, white, and red all over?
A. A sunburnt elf!
Q. Which of Santas reindeer has bad manners?
A. Rude-olph!

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Santa court mein judge se:
Aaj tak meri itni insult nahi hui,
meri nai padson ne mujhe nahate hue dekh lia he!
Q. Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich ?
Ans. Because the poor didn't have any !
Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A: Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Father Christmas: What's your favorite Christmas story?
Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared of the Big Bad Wolf and they grow on trees!
Father Christmas: You mean 'The Three Little Figs'.
Please Jung Lee, just once... play Weeweechu with me.
I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."
Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective ?
A. Santa Clues!
Q. How is the Christmas alphabet different from the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.