Dirty Christmas Jokes

Following are some collection of dirty Christmas jokes. You can send them on facebook or whatsapp to a friend. Christmas jokes and funny Christmas text messages are good to entertain someone special in a good way.

• A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
  The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
  "A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks.
  "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
• KISSING at the top,HOLDING at the middle &FIRE at the bottom!
  Do you know the ANSWER?
  WHAT?
  ho…don’t think dirty…
  its A ”CIGARETTE”
• Moneys short,Times are hard
  here a fucking Christmas card
  It was the night before christmas
  and all through the house
  everybody felt shitty
  even the mouse!!!
• (to jingle bells)
   Jingle Bells Batman Smells
   Robin Laid an Egg
   The Bat mobile Lost a Wheel
   And Joker got away
•  (to Have a holly jolly Christmas)
    Have a hottie  naughty Christmas!
    It's the breast time of the year!
    Lots a "elves", With lovely shelves,
    And red-furred white-trimmed rears!
• Santa: "What do you want for Christmas, young man?"
  Boy: "Well, there's a certain thing I'd really like."
  Santa: "What thing is that?"
  Boy: "Everything!"
• Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
  "What denomination?" asked the clerk.
  "Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?" said Maria. "Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.
•  On the first Xmas, the first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure.”Jesus Christ!” he yelled.The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, “Now, Joseph, isn’t that a better name for the kid than Irving?
•  Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
   Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
   I have got something special in the sack for you!
   Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
   I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!Marry  Christmas.
• 
  Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
  the whole goddamn family was drunk as a louse,
  with mom in the whore house and dad in jail,
  I sat myself down to a cold glass of ale.
  
   
  
  
  
  
  

Short Christmas Jokes For Adults

• Santa: "So little girl, what would you like for Christmas?"
  
  Girl: "I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe."
  
  Santa: "Doesn't Barbie always come with Ken?"
  
  Girl: No, she only fakes it with Ken."
• Why doesn’t Santa have any children ?Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney.
• How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?Chick to chick!
• What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?A – ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L!!)!
• Bert, aged 25. ‘My wife’s an angel’. Don, aged 57. ‘Your lucky, mine is still alive’.
• Santa: "So little girl, what would you like for Christmas?" Girl: "I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe."

New and short Christmas sayings and sms jokes with sweet heart messages.

Christmas Jokes Pictures For Adults

Christmas kids Jokes For Adults

• What do you call an old snowman?
  Water!
  
• What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
  The Christmas one has no L (noel)!
  
• What carol is heard in the dessert?
  Camel ye fathful!
  
• Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
  
• ow are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
  They both have ornamental balls.
  
• I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for Christmas. It’s such a joy to watch their faces light up!
  
• I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
  
• Q. What kind of bird can write?
  A. A pen-guin
  
• Q. What do the elves sing to Santa Claus on his birthday?
  A. Freeze a jolly good fellow . . .
  
• What kind of pet did Aladdin have?
  
  A flying car-pet!.

Funny Adult Christmas Jokes

• What do you call a snowman in the summer?
  A puddle.
  
  What do you call a snowman in the tropics?
  Lost.
  
• Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.
  The salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'
  
• Advent sermon: 'What is hell?'
  Come early and listen to our carol practice.
  
• Only six shopping days ’til Christmas! Or if you’re a bloke – only five and a half days ’til you start your Christmas shopping.
  
• Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars.
  
•  I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
  
•  I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.
  
• Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
  
• Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Christmas Jokes Adult

• What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
• Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
• I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for Christmas. It’s such a joy to watch their faces light up!
• What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day...
• Q - Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
  A - They both drop their needles!
• Q - Did you hear about the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone?
  A - A dog ate him in the hall!
• Q - How to cats greet each other at Christmas?
  A - "A furry merry Christmas & Happy new year"!
• Letter to Santa Claus...
  
  Dear Santa Claus,
  
  I stayed up all night last Christmas and I didn't see you come down the chimney? Are you going to come this year?
  
  Sincerely,
  Timmy

Rude Christmas Jokes

• What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
  Claustrophobic.
  
• What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
  Snowflakes.
  
• Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
  A. A Christmas Quacker.
  
• Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
  A. Santa Pause!
   
• Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
  A. In a snow bank.
  
• Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
  A. Because of all the wrapping!
  
• What do monkeys sing at Christmas?Jungle Bells, Jungle bells!
  
• Where do mistletoe go to become famous?
  “Holly” wood!
  
•  What lies in a pram and wobbles?
  
  A jelly baby

Christmas Jokes For Kids

• Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
  A. A Christmas Quacker.
  
• Q. What goes in a chimney red and comes out of it black?
  A. Santa Claus.
  
• What do you call an old snowman?
  Water!
  
• Knock knock!
  Who’s there?
  Snow.
  Snow who?
  Snow use...
  
• What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
  Silent Night!
  
• Will: What’s a good time for Santa to come down the chimney?
  Bill: What?
  Will: Anytime!
  
• Josh: What does Jack Frost like best about school?
  John: What?
  Josh: Snow and tell.
  
• Q. What is green, white, and red all over?
  A. A sunburnt elf!
  
• Q. Which of Santas reindeer has bad manners?
  A. Rude-olph!
  

• Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
  
• What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
  
•     How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
      They both have ornamental balls.
  
• Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
  The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
  The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
  It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
  
• Santa court mein judge se:
  Aaj tak meri itni insult nahi hui,
  meri nai padson ne mujhe nahate hue dekh lia he!
  
• Q. Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich ?
  Ans. Because the poor didn't have any !
  
•  Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
  A: Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
  
• Father Christmas: What's your favorite Christmas story?
  Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared of the Big Bad Wolf and they grow on trees!
  Father Christmas: You mean 'The Three Little Figs'.
  
• Please Jung Lee, just once... play Weeweechu with me.
  
• I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"
  
  I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."
  
• Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective ?
  A. Santa Clues!
  
• Q. How is the Christmas alphabet different from the ordinary alphabet?
  A. The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.