Naughty christmas Messages

 

• Teacher: What is the first month?
  Student: January
  Teacher: What is the second month?
  Student: February
  Teacher: What is the tenth month?
  Student: Delivery
  Merry Christmas To every one
• I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready.
• Sometimes I wish I was a bird:
  I would fly over certain people and shit on their heads.
•  What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?…. SNOWBALLS
• Why doesn’t Santa have any children?
  He only comes one a year, and that’s down the chimney.
   
• Teacher: What does the Christmas tree stand for?
  Student: It would take too much room lying down.
• Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
• How do u teach a blonde maths?
  U subtract her chlothes
  Devide her legs
  And square root her.
• Boy I better get started
  shopping for Christmas!
  It is only 5 months away..
• Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas…I woke up in a box.

New Xmas jokes for Adults

• How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?
  No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year!
• I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
• Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snow ladies? A: Snowballs.
• Why doesn't Santa have any children? He only comes one a year, and that’s down the chimney.
• Father Christmas wins a saucepan in a competition. Now that’s what you call pot luck!
• Closets also had a lot of fun during Christmas Eve celebration instead of boring asses they saw a lot of new faces.
• Q. What happened when Guy ate the Christmas decorations?
• A. He went down with tinsel-itis.
• I always get my loved ones petrol soaked fake mustaches for Christmas. It’s such a joy to watch their faces light up!
• What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
• The One Show.

Dirty Christmas Jokes

Following are some collection of dirty Christmas jokes. You can send them on facebook or whatsapp to a friend. Christmas jokes and funny Christmas text messages are good to entertain someone special in a good way.

• A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
  The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
  "A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks.
  "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
• KISSING at the top,HOLDING at the middle &FIRE at the bottom!
  Do you know the ANSWER?
  WHAT?
  ho…don’t think dirty…
  its A ”CIGARETTE”
• Moneys short,Times are hard
  here a fucking Christmas card
  It was the night before christmas
  and all through the house
  everybody felt shitty
  even the mouse!!!
• (to jingle bells)
   Jingle Bells Batman Smells
   Robin Laid an Egg
   The Bat mobile Lost a Wheel
   And Joker got away
•  (to Have a holly jolly Christmas)
    Have a hottie  naughty Christmas!
    It's the breast time of the year!
    Lots a "elves", With lovely shelves,
    And red-furred white-trimmed rears!
• Santa: "What do you want for Christmas, young man?"
  Boy: "Well, there's a certain thing I'd really like."
  Santa: "What thing is that?"
  Boy: "Everything!"
• Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
  "What denomination?" asked the clerk.
  "Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?" said Maria. "Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.
•  On the first Xmas, the first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure.”Jesus Christ!” he yelled.The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, “Now, Joseph, isn’t that a better name for the kid than Irving?
•  Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
   Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
   I have got something special in the sack for you!
   Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
   I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!Marry  Christmas.
• 
  Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
  the whole goddamn family was drunk as a louse,
  with mom in the whore house and dad in jail,
  I sat myself down to a cold glass of ale.
  
   
  
  
  
  
  

Short Christmas Jokes For Adults

• Santa: "So little girl, what would you like for Christmas?"
  
  Girl: "I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe."
  
  Santa: "Doesn't Barbie always come with Ken?"
  
  Girl: No, she only fakes it with Ken."
• Why doesn’t Santa have any children ?Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney.
• How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?Chick to chick!
• What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?A – ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L!!)!
• Bert, aged 25. ‘My wife’s an angel’. Don, aged 57. ‘Your lucky, mine is still alive’.
• Santa: "So little girl, what would you like for Christmas?" Girl: "I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe."

New and short Christmas sayings and sms jokes with sweet heart messages.

Christmas Jokes Pictures For Adults

Christmas kids Jokes For Adults

• What do you call an old snowman?
  Water!
  
• What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
  The Christmas one has no L (noel)!
  
• What carol is heard in the dessert?
  Camel ye fathful!
  
• Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
  
• ow are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
  They both have ornamental balls.
  
• I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for Christmas. It’s such a joy to watch their faces light up!
  
• I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
  
• Q. What kind of bird can write?
  A. A pen-guin
  
• Q. What do the elves sing to Santa Claus on his birthday?
  A. Freeze a jolly good fellow . . .
  
• What kind of pet did Aladdin have?
  
  A flying car-pet!.

Funny Adult Christmas Jokes

• What do you call a snowman in the summer?
  A puddle.
  
  What do you call a snowman in the tropics?
  Lost.
  
• Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.
  The salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'
  
• Advent sermon: 'What is hell?'
  Come early and listen to our carol practice.
  
• Only six shopping days ’til Christmas! Or if you’re a bloke – only five and a half days ’til you start your Christmas shopping.
  
• Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars.
  
•  I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
  
•  I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.
  
• Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
  
• Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.